Saturday, June 14, 2014

Have trust in yourself.

Struggling with self-confidence at the moment. I suppose this is partly due to a put down I received via email this week, it wasn't actually important but it angered me and then it made me anxious.

I put on a good show of being knowledgeable, well in control of any situation and at ease with anyone I meet. I believe in most of that shit most of the time too, but sometimes as with that email I take a knock and suddenly I'm questioning my right to existence.

A couple of times this week I've had that old familiar horror stir inside me. I think of it as a black pit that opens right at my feet, if I make a false step I'll plunge into it and worse still I don't know if there's a right step to take.

I can now fight it off. I do some menial bit of house-work, or dig the garden, or go and visit somebody who needs cheering up more than I do. If I don't I suspect that I'd sink into Depression again,

'They' say you're always prone to relapses if the Black Dog has bitten you in the past; a cheery thought which scares me, thanks Guys.

When I was depressed with a capital 'D' I used to blog on a website for people with mental issues, I always felt a bit of a fraud because many of them had really severe problems, but it helped me to write my worst thoughts down on that blog when there was nobody I dared speak them to.

Anyway I'm not ill now just lingering in the Self-Pity zone a bit.

Help comes from the Universe in odd ways. I found this yesterday on Facebook:

"Have good trust in yourself… not in the one that you think you should be, but in the One that you are.”

~ Taizan Maezumi Roshi ~

and I always find Love from Rumi:

" Tomorrow you'll be brave, you say? Fool! Dive today from the cliff of what you know into what you can't know.
You fear the rocks? Better men than you have died on them; dying on Love's rocks is nobler than a life of death."

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