The End of 2016 ....Hooray

I doubt I'm alone in feeling happier now this year is fast fading.

The second half of my year was: July bad, August appalling, September bad, October and November slow and steady improvement, December a bit wobbly.

I don't want to remember this year so mentally I'm going from 2015 straight to 2017, not passing 'GO' on the way.

Seasonal Felicitations.
See you on the other side.

Haven't written.....oh how surprising

Not a thing. My 'creative' brain, if I possess such a thing, has buggered off somewhere along with  my sense of self worth. Serves me right for putting all my eggs in the one basket.

I've been on the slide again. For a long while I was busy with politics, totally absorbed more like, ever since the run up to the General Election last year. At that time I was full of optimism and was sure that rewards come just because you exert effort. I pushed lots of effort at the EU debate. I thought of almost nothing other than Europe for several months and talked and talked and talked.

Then came the Referendum result and I could NOT believe it, for days I wandered around this foreign land that used to be my country. It felt like those awful centripetal fairground rides they used to call 'The Wall of Death' where you spun round inside a big wooden drum. You'd go faster and faster then they dropped the floor away and you were pinned to the wall with emptiness below your feet.

Now after a lot of angst, big depressive waves and panic attacks I am coming round to deal with the new order.
I'm not giving up. I've invested a lot of emotional capital in this 'experiment' that Labour mps seem to think doomed to failure. Well it isn't. Mr Corbyn is still there and others like me are still supporting him. I still believe we can make good changes in this country; maybe our chances will even improve once the fairy-dust falls from Brexit eyes. Everything is up for grabs and it may yet all turn out for the best. But I need something else as well.

I must start writing again. I need my inner world functioning and giving me strands of ideas to play with. I need the discipline and the accomplishment of small goals.

So come back please Creativity, I have need of you and I'm truly sorry that I pushed you out of the door.
I will start some words this weekend. Dunno what yet, but I will stare at paper and try to see shapes form.

Some steps forward despite several backward falls.

This blog's gaps show how much my state of mind affects everything else. The battle to think clearly and imaginatively while walking a tightrope continues.

I won't bore anyone with the negative details. I'll only mention the positive stuff:

I had some, free sessions with a mental health worker that helped because she seemed to think that I'm a reasonably nice person. She might have been saying that because positive reinforcement is part of her job but it did help.

 When the sessions stopped I felt bad again, but told my family that I have ongoing mental health issues. They didn't run away screaming so that was ok.

Out of spite my IBS returned, but I'm dealing with that and mostly staying healthy.  

I'm trying meditation which is helping when I remember to do it.

Berst of all, I re-wrote a short story from a few years back and I've entered it in a competition. It won't even make the shortlist, but the real success is that I actually submitted something and I still feel good about it.

If only Summer would get here....................

I have a great need of poetry

The Sunrise Ruby

In the early morning hour,
just before dawn, lover and beloved wake
and take a drink of water.

She asks, "Do you love me or yourself more?

Really, tell the absolute truth."

He says, "There's nothing left of me.

I'm like a ruby held up to the sunrise.

Is it still a stone, or a world

made of redness? It has no resistance

to sunlight."

This how Hallaj said, I am God,

and told the truth!

The ruby and the sunrise are one.

Be courageous and discipline yourself.

Completely become hearing and ear,

and wear this sun-ruby as an earring.

Work. Keep digging your well.

Don't think about getting off from work.

Water is there somewhere.

Submit to a daily practice.

Your loyalty to that

is a ring on the door.

Keep knocking, and the joy inside

will eventually open a window

and look out to see who's there. 

Rumi




Sometimes the words I need to hear come when I look for them. In turmoil these last few weeks, today I found these words of Rumi that are new to me. I think I will be re-reading these a lot.

'Time flies when you're having fun' or when you've become totally obsessed with the state of your digestive system.

'Time flies when you're having fun' or when you've become totally obsessed with the state of your digestive system.

It's the latter for me. I've been under the weather or downright unwell since last Christmas but am now getting things under control.

It'a sticky hot day here and I'm writing because I have nobody interesting to talk to, this is not unusual.
  The most intellectually stimulating time I have lasts 15 minutes on alternate Tuesday mornings when the Library van comes around. The rest of the time I talk about the weather and other trivia with my elderly neighbours. 
   I don't mind the lack of talking most of the time because I have ..............                    The Internet, hooray, huzzah, yip yip etc.
May divine blessings rain down continually on Tim Berners-Lee. He is my greatest Hero!

I don't mind solitude much either because the alternative is too ghastly to face and anyway I have the dog. He is no conversationalist, but he is a Presence. I only mind being alone when I feel ill and having felt ill a lot recently I have had some bad days.

Now I feel healthier my mind has returned to important stuff like this blog and my writing which has also languished.
  I don't feel guilty about the writing inactivity because I couldn't work up the energy to do anything at all. I wasn't out partying, unfortunately.

In other news:
     My grandaughter became a happy Bride and I was duly weepy.
     My Grandson found himself an excellent job and seems happy.
     The rest of my family are ticking over nicely too. I think.

....................laters.

Happy New Year Blog

Happy New Year to my lonely little Blog and to anyone straying here accidentally.Christmas celebrations and poor health are my excuse for not writing here, well just the ill-health actually.

I'm being dogged by chronic complaints; there must be something about Winter that brings all this stuff on me, I haven't felt good since the Solstice. We have sunshine today which has fetched me out from my cave, it's about the only thing that can stir me at the moment. The sunshine has also started me thinking of Spring so I've bought some seeds. This year  I'm trying Snapdragons, Stocks, Echinacea and Poppies. I've never grown any of these from seed before, not even the Poppies, so the challenge will hopefully spark some determination in me.

There is lots to look forward to: I'm going to a festival for the first time in 25 years, I hope it stays dry this August. I have a grand-daughter getting married, I have lots to do to be ready for that.  Then there's all the political shenanigans of a General Election. I'm looking forward to heated exchanges, nowadays the only chance I get for a good row is to start one about 'Who's going to win?' although I'm not sure many voters care one way or t'other this timre around.

Time for my tablets!

I should be writing but...........

But....... today I have migraine
     .......yesterday I had migraine
     .......last week I had Christmas shopping
     .......before that I had the miseries.