Friday, November 15, 2013


Made it to 28,000 words today. The last week hasn't been easy.The desire to give up came over me, but I fought it off.

It happens every time.
I start something "creative" full of ideas and enthusiasm. After a couple of weeks, more or less, I get major doubts about my project and this has often led to complete disenchantment, followed by abandonment of the project which is never spoken of again.

In the years I went to university I had the self-destruct button taped over because I couldn't let myself fail at something I'd wanted to do so badly. I had to prove something as a mature student to the university and to the doubters.

Then later, working with Tony I was proving something to me and anybody else that was interested. I was not about to walk out on my new career either.I had too much invested in my relationship with Tony to let me give up then.

I wonder if that's partly why I fought hard to make him fight against the cancer?
I lost that battle and most other important things too.
Since 2005 it's been one step forward and two steps back until quite recently.

I can now see one thing through at a time, but only if I really concentrate. Some things have been allowed to slide into oblivion but I am making a strong effort with the writing. I'm still a long way from completing a whole novel, but I can see it shimmering out there.

This time maybe it won't turn out to be another mirage.

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