I'm back and this time I think I'll be staying

Well it's a long time since I posted, but I think I'm going to stick around this time. I've realised it's time to change. I'm used to change and I miss it, there's no fizz any more.

Since I doubt that life is going to throw anything new my way aside from bad news, bad health and slow decline into terminal Bleah I must create some interest to divert my attention. So I am going to start writing properly; in other words I shall be professional about it. I shall set myself targets and write every day; I've done that before so that's not a problem.
This time however I'm going to submit stuff to publishers.I always shied away from that before because I didn't want rejection, but now I realise that there'll be tension and excited anticipation while waiting for those letters telling me 'No Thanks'. I shan't mind the failures because I'll be able to tell myself that there's always another publisher so there'll always be fizz in that, plus the enormous buzz from actually finishing stuff.
I'm getting excited just thinking about it!

It's odd the way my mind makes decisions. I've been in an old pattern recently but failed to realise it. I've been slothful and sad, but little things kept popping into my mind. I was remembering snippets from stories I'd written and I've been having vivid dreams with intricate story-lines. That pattern of depression and day/night dreams has always preceded any major decision I've made but I'd forgotten because it's been a long time since I took any action.

It's been a while

Almost a year has slipped through my hands without any posts. My life hasn't been uneventful, but I deal in tiny events now like seeing otters in the wild.

I have one major event to tell- my sister and I found each other. Neither of us knew of the other's existence but we were coincidentally wading in family history waters trying to find something in the murk.
We bumped into each other online and at first neither of us could believe the other was real, but now we've met and it's true and it's great.

Life is easier now. I suppose partially this is due to the passage of time although nothing dims my memories of Tony. I think it's more because I have built a life that has good things in it. I was extremely lucky to move to this flat in the Spring. I now live comfortably in a place that has revived my delight in the natural world. The pains have eased.

Written something!!!

I've written a short short piece of fiction for a competition and entered it. Maybe it's no good but it's better than nuffin. It's over on 'Whatever Comes' if anyone cares to look at it.
Strange ? But I do perform if there's a deadline. Maybe I should go on a creative writing course, I was always able to turn essays in on time.

If you made it up they'd never believe it.

An article from this morning's Guardian newspaper almost beggars belief. Even quoting it I find it hard to accept , but her'es an extract that refers to a memorandum prepared for the House committee on oversight and government reform which is examining Iraqi reconstruction...........

"They also found that $774,300 in cash had been stolen from one division's vault. Cash payments were made from the back of a pickup truck, and cash was stored in unguarded sacks in Iraqi ministry offices. One official was given $6.75m in cash, and was ordered to spend it in one week before the interim Iraqi government took control of Iraqi funds."

The minutes from a May 2004 CPA meeting reveal "a single disbursement of $500m in security funding labelled merely 'TBD', meaning 'to be determined'."

The memorandum concludes: "Many of the funds appear to have been lost to corruption and waste ... thousands of 'ghost employees' were receiving pay cheques from Iraqi ministries under the CPA's control. Some of the funds could have enriched both criminals and insurgents fighting the United States."

So now the US government is the banker for Al Quaida?

Blue and Orange

The video I referred to yesterday has emerged. It seems to confirm that the A10s fired on british troops with orange badged vehicles.
The only comment from the US government is that they 'would view whoever leaked the video as "criminally responsible". Can we be assured that the pilots will be held responsible too?

Blue on Blue

'Blue on Blue' is a new anodyne term used for conflict situations when ally fires on ally.
This is an obvious improvement to the previous phrase 'Friendly Fire', which had the unfortunate connotation of possible harm resulting from shooting up your own side.

I came across 'blue on blue' in a news report on the stalled inquest into the death of Lance Corporal of Horse Matty Hull, aged 25, who died in March 2003. He was travelling in a column of light armoured vehicles near Basra, in southern Iraq, when it was reportedly attacked by a US A-10 "tankbuster" aircraft.

American video evidence of the incident hasn't been released to the court.
My personal opinion is that this footage might well show that american forces were not at fault, but the delays so far make it more likely that the evidence doesn't support that view.It certainly seems suspicious.

The worst aspect of this case in my view is the awful slowness. It's almost FOUR years since this man died and his widow still has no peace. What reasonable excuse can there be for such delay?

I'm also intrigued to ask how many american service widows have to wait so long for closure when their husbands are killed by fellow americans ?

The inquest resumes on February 16th

Hard work

Writing is proving very hard work.and I have little luck with it either.
Awake at five this morning I started a descriptive piece about dead ships becalmed on a deathly sea; a metaphor for the way I feel these days; you never guessed that I’ll bet. I’d almost finished it when I hit the wrong button and all the text disappeared. This caused some expletives , but undoubtedly saved the world from some very disturbed prose.

Maybe my psychotic ramblings should stay put, but then that leaves me nothing to write about because in the world of the Bewidowed nothing ever happens.

I’ve been tidying my cell because space is precious and there’s no room for oxygen in here. Calmly I threw out several binbags filled with recent comfort shopping until I came across the few things I still have of Tony. I tried and I cried but I couldn’t discard his old T shirts, his slippers or his battered sun-hat. They can be packed away but must stay within reach.
I’m a sad case I know, but I’m like a witch with her dried herbs and her mummy dust. She can’t conjure her demons without them and I can’t reach the comfort of Tony’s love without the feel and smell of his possessions.
Love may not last forever but you can blow on the ashes and get a little heat.