Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Early morning

I got up around 04.30 and now I'm here with a rapidly cooling cup of tea. Something happened yesterday that made me think about the future.
I hate thinking about the future nowadays...........it feels like a nasty alien entity sucking the life out of me slowly.
Now that's not a pleasant thought in the early morning, but it's accurate.
I never thought that old age might feel this way when I was younger. Good job too!

When I was very young I didn't believe in death, despite, or maybe because it had already intruded on my world and old age was never going to happen either. I knew no old people and the few I saw didn't interest me at all.
By my teenage years I was thinking death might happen to other people but it couldn't happen to me. I couldn't imagine Me not existing so there was nothing to worry about. I was going to live forever and I was going to save the World too! This must be a commonly held fallacy otherwise adolescence would be incredibly boring and safe instead of tingly with anticipation of great times ahead.

I haven't saved the World and I feel bad about that, sorry World. If I had my time over I'd do better; my efforts in that area have been little use. On the personal side I'm not afraid of death but the future scares the Hell out of me. I can't do much about saving the future either; that's probably why I couldn't sleep, my brain was working itself into a tizz while I slept.
I feel good now I'm fully awake despite the darkness and the rain outside. Fears and anxieties only have power when you're vulnerable, being tired makes me vulnerable. I did get some sleep and the tea is giving me a boost so I just have to wait for the Dawn now.
I'll go read some Rumi.

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